Category: My Life Journey

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Why do we think we have to be perfect?

While I don’t usually post pictures of myself on social media, even on my own business page, I took a picture of myself, being imperfect. To tell myself to let it go, to say that I am loved, and treasured.

I was afraid of making mistakes, I didn’t trust myself & I kept playing small, and putting myself last.

I learned to do it when I was younger and kept on doing it growing up. It wasn’t until I started putting myself first because of my life coach business did I see the pattern.

I wanted to be perfect. I learned growing up that if I was *perfect* I wouldn’t get in trouble with my parents, or teachers. I *thought* I wanted everything to look nice and clean, and I had to act a certain way.

But I overdid it and I had to deal with depression and anxiety attacks. Why was this happening to me?!

I was play-acting all thru my adult life. I pretended I was fine when I wasn’t. Nobody cares to hear about why you are depressed! Just snap out of it they would say! But with diagnosed depression, it is a chemical in your brain that is imbalanced. You can’t just snap out of it, or be happy!! I know, I tried! You become fatigued and more depressed.

It wasn’t until I started to see a psychiatrist and therapy with him, that I started to talk about my life with a special needs child. And growing up with alcoholic parents. My conditioned self wanted everything to be perfect and non-stressed. If that is even a thing. I grew up with stress as a child. I didn’t want a repeat of it, thank you very much.

But my conditioned self reacted to the stress because it’s what she knows and fears, and hates. Anytime something happened I would label it *bad*.  Then I would be negative about the situation and I couldn’t handle it. Growing up as a small child when my parents would start drinking and then rage fighting, I would run up to my bedroom, get under the covers and finally fall asleep! I wanted to do that as an adult too. But I would just charge into the situation like a mad bull and start yelling. I didn’t know how else to handle it. It’s what I learned.

Now I meditate, journal, do Pilates and do what I learned, and teach as a life/mindfulness/spiritual coach. Positive affirmations work well too.

My mind used to go over and over again with the past. It’s called monkey-mind. You have repeats in your head. Even trying to fall asleep my brain would try to recreate my fear. After EFT (Emotional Freedom Tapping, I learned to become *safe* when going to sleep. It’s something that I didn’t link to my childhood. I didn’t feel safe sleeping at night. Not until the depression did I start having insomnia. I didn’t feel safe. Now I have to remind myself that I am safe and it’s ok to sleep.

I had a lot of things going on that I had to have unconditioned. In her book Gabby Bernstein “Happy Days” she says: “`When someone experiences a traumatic event, their amygdala (the emotional response center of the brain) often becomes overactive, which can lead to a heightened fear response, leaving the person in a persistent state of hyper-arousal and stress”. Even though our brain can forget what happened from disassociation these continue to affect us subconsciously.  It can be in our bodies and our minds. “There it remains energetically present, leaving us in a constant state of alertness and on the lookout for danger”.

My course teaches 6 steps on how to recondition yourself from these responses. The first step is to become aware that you are having “flashbacks” of whatever trauma you experience. If it needs immediate attention, please seek professional help. If you are interested in having a life coach, please feel free to reach out to me and we can have a free zoom call to see if I can help you.

Below is the link to my Instagram page

www. https://www.instagram.com/p/CfwJ8SeAwM9

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“She builds people up because she knows what it is like to be torn down.”

Hi, I am Michelle Edwards.

For over 20 years I have been on a search to find my true purpose. I have journaled, meditated, and have said positive affirmations before it became really popular. I have worked on my anxiety, depression, and self-doubt. On my journey, I have yearned for balance in my then chaotic life, peace, and fellowship with like-minded people. I wanted to have a life filled with purpose and to step into my power. I wanted to feel connected once again. I longed to be seen, heard, and understood. I was always creating and then quitting soon after. I had a monkey-mind that would not quit even at night. I worried all of the time. I wanted to control, and be perfect in every aspect of my home and life. I would future-trip which made my anxiety worse.

Our firstborn son was born in 1988. At 8 days old he was (experimental) number 13 to receive a heart transplant on Valentine’s day at Loma Linda University Medical Center in California close to where we were stationed. My anxiety started around this time as well.

After 2 more children and our 3rd move to a base in New Jersey, I started to get panic attacks and was diagnosed with major depression. I couldn’t leave the house so I had to seek out a psychiatrist. While sitting in his office crying I remember him telling me “One day you will be happy, and you will have a good life.”  My thought was “Are you crazy?!” I couldn’t see it. But I trusted him and had to believe it.

I continued meditation and reading positive affirmations. I didn’t want the depression and anxiety rule my life.

Our son passed away in 2006 from Lymphoma Cancer. With the “training” from my psychiatrist and my practice of meditation, I survived this passage. I had 2 other children to live for and I was not going to let them down. On my path, I have rediscovered who I was. I took care of my soul. I slept when I needed it. I tried to eat a healthy diet.

When both kids left for college we became empty-nesters. I was sad and lonely. My husband lost his job 3 times, and we ended up moving 3 times for his new jobs. I was a seasoned military wife so I survived the new locations. Our last move was near Miami FL.

In the 3 years that we have been in South Florida, I have had 3 surgeries. One was a major shoulder surgery after falling down the stairs. I pushed through the pain from the surgery, and physical therapy. I kept a positive outlook on life. After making a comeback I enrolled in an online school for herbalism. I was still searching for a way to live my life purpose, and to help people.

In July 2019 I found out I had to have brain surgery to remove a cyst on my brain. I felt defeated and alone. I struggled with depression and anxiety once again. 

I became a member of my favorite author Gabby Bernstein’s Miracle Membership. I followed her meditations and guidance on how to feel good, and be grateful for everything. I began to climb out of the darkness into the light once more. Her new book Super Attractor came out, and it was THE book that finally pieced everything together for me. I applied her steps into my life, and I began to change. I was becoming more aligned with my true self and I was ready to have faith in the Universe once again. I became aware of my inner voice and playing small. I began to shift my thinking and observing my self-talk. I began being self-aware and being mindful by living in the present moment. I was more aware of future-tripping and stopping it when it started. I learned that there was no reason for me to play small anymore. As Gabby put it: “The Universe has big plans for you, and it’s time to claim them.”

While doing meditation of Gabby’s called Lifting The Veil I saw that I had a black cloak held tightly around me, and it was making me sick. Through journaling, I had to let it go. As I wrote in my journal afterward: “I feel free and unburdened. I feel I am happy. I feel lightened. I feel carefree.” It didn’t mean that my grieving for my son was gone, it’s still there.   It just means that I am not burdened down by it any longer. I found that person that once was happy, and carefree.

 I signed up for Gabby’s manifestation challenge in January 2020, and while reading a post on the manifestation challenge page on Facebook someone asked about what Online School was best for a life coach.

Seeing Life Coach sparked something inside of me. I began to look at the online courses for life coaching that somebody had recommended. The more I read the more I got excited. This is what I was searching for. I have been preparing my life for this. I remember a conversation with my psychiatrist so many years ago when I told him that I wanted to help people with depression and anxiety.  I wanted to help people to move on and to believe in themselves

As a Certified Professional Life Coach and a Certified Mindfulness Coach, I have learned how to help clients become aware of their self-talk, Overcoming being on autopilot, and to move on. I can help with Overcoming indecisions. Overcome inaction. And so much more by helping you with meditations, positive affirmations, and a 12 step by step process to finding your passion and your purpose. To sign up for emails and to get the free guide for 8 steps to self-confidence sign up above.

I found my life purpose, let me help you find yours. Sign up below to get the free guide on how to raise your self-esteem, and to be on my email list.